Patriots Say âNo More Booze Past Q3ââFootball or Kindergarten?
In a bold, unprecedented, and only mildly patronizing effort to apparently tame the roid-rage meets frat party vibes at Gillette Stadium, the New England Patriots announced on a completely normal Wednesday in Foxborough, MA, that players will no longer get their beloved alcohol post-third quarter. Patriots spokesperson Aaron Kozachik spilled the tea about complaints regarding 'rowdy and aggressive behavior,' presumably from fans clutching their spinach dip and nachos in terror. The ban applies strictly after Q3âlike some bizarre halftime for responsible drinkingâproving that even billion-dollar sports franchises have to install toddler-style punishments to curb on-field temper tantrums.
Share the Story
Cutting off booze after the third quarter? Whatâs next, timeout for emotional outbursts? Patriots turning Gillette Stadium into sober daycare, one grizzly bear adult at a time.
If the Patriots stop serving booze after the third quarter, does that mean their aggressive behavior is halftime entertainment? Gilletteâs becoming a no-fun zone faster than you can say 'flag on the play'.
New England Patriots to curb third quarter booze: because tackling is hard enough without juice. Next up: juice boxes and nap times at Gillette Stadium.
Source: Theonion | Published: 9/7/2025 | Author: The Onion Staff
More Articles in Sports
Guardiansâ Pitch Perfect Betting: $400K Scam Strikes Out
Tom Bradyâs Electric Boats Float, Nadal Chases Waves, Not Balls
Disney & YouTube TVâs ESPN War: Streamers Taking Sides Like Schoolyard Bullies
MLBâs World Series Saves Ratings, Hits $77B Media Jackpot
Dallas Cowboys Blackout: Disney vs. Google, Pass the Popcorn
