Shoppers Ignore Economy, Blow $11.8 Billion Like It's Monopoly Money

KEY POINTS

•Mastercard said Black Friday retail sales excluding autos grew 4.1%, surpassing last year's 3.4% increase.
•Online sales climbed 10.4%, driven by strong demand for clothing and jewelry categories.
•Adobe Analytics estimated Black Friday online spending at $11.8 billion, $1 billion more than last year.
•Walmart raised its yearly outlook while the National Retail Federation predicted a $1 trillion holiday shopping season.

Black Friday 2025 kicked off with shoppers apparently treating economic gloom like a bad Tinder date—ignored and ghosted. Mastercard reported a 4.1% rise in retail sales excluding cars, beating last year's 3.4%. Online spending soared 10.4%, with folks clicking furiously on clothes and jewelry, likely buying more sparkle to outshine existential anxiety. Adobe Analytics proudly announced $11.8 billion funneled into online Black Friday chaos—up a billion from last year, probably proof that doomscrolling burns calories. Even Walmart raised its outlook, betting on a holiday season so big it could hit $1 trillion, a figure so large it sounds like corporate wishful thinking disguised as news. Foot traffic nudged up 1.17%, which means actual humans still roam malls, risking parking lot PTSD on purpose.