Government Starts 'Trump Accounts' to Psychologically Torture Kids With Investments
KEY POINTS
- •Trump Accounts will launch in July 2026, providing $1,000 to babies born between 2025 and 2028 to start investment savings.
- •Parents can open accounts through the IRS by filing Form 4547 or via an online portal, contributing up to $5,000 annually.
- •Major corporations like Visa and banks such as JP Morgan will match contributions or allow credit card rewards to fund these accounts.
Launching July 2026, 'Trump Accounts' are investment pods for babies born 2025-2028, because apparently toddlers knew they needed a $1,000 government parachute into capitalism before even saying 'dada.' Parents can channel their inner Wall Street moguls by contributing up to $5,000 yearly—no pressure though. Bonus cameo by Michael Dell and wife Susan, sprinkling $250 for kids in households under $150K, like some philanthropic fairy godparents. The Treasury deposits baby’s first grand Benjamin automatically, while Visa offers to epsilon-brick your kid’s account with credit card rewards. Only at 18 does Junior gain control, facing the yin and yang of tax-deferred childhood dreams or the brutal realness of ordinary income taxes on withdrawal. So start prepping those kids—by 2026, bedtime stories feature S&P 500 performance charts.
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Congratulations, America: Babies born 2025-2028 get a $1,000 'Trump Account' because nothing screams 'sweet innocence' like early capitalism training wheels with credit card rewards sponsorships.
Guess what’s funnier than a toddler throwing tantrums? Having their first $1,000 investment managed by the IRS before they can even walk.
Everyone’s talking college funds, but now babies can flex with diversified portfolios, courtesy of political drama and Michael Dell’s generosity.
Source: Businessinsider | Published: 1/30/2026 | Author: Allie Kelly
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