RFK Jr. Declares Mysterious Glowing Juice New National Anthem
In a shocking turn of events that have already sparked countless backyard conspiracies, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. ordered 'every man, woman, and child' to guzzle a 'mysterious glowing liquid,' promising it will 'make the nation strong and vigorous.' Experts confirm panic buying of glow-in-the-dark cups increased by 300%, while sources report several families trying to dilute it in their morning coffee for 'extra energy and existential dread.' As chronic disease faces its new nemesis, citizens are advised to keep their tongues and tinfoil hats ready.
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Forget water — glowing mystery juice is now mandatory for all Americans. Next up, instructions on how to photocopy your eyeballs for eternal health. Stay tuned for government-approved alien detox plans.
Finally, a national beverage that doubles as a flashlight! In 2024, the phrase 'drink your medicine' just got a whole lot shinier and way more suspicious.
Who needs chemistry degrees when you have glowing mystery liquids? Objectives: Cure diseases, confuse neighbors, and start spontaneous rave parties in every kitchen.
Source: Theonion | Published: 8/12/2025 | Author: The Onion Staff
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