Pentagon Bans Beards: Military Meets Barbershop Strictly at 0730
In a move shockingly more controversial than that time someone microwaved an aluminum foil, the Pentagon, the U.S. military headquarters known for making decisions that impact millions, announced new grooming standards demanding all male troops be 'clean shaven and neat in presentation for a proper military appearance.' This dazzling memo dropped without warning like bad Wi-Fi in a bunker, aiming to put an end to heroic beard-growing contests at military bases. The fine folks at The Onion, ever vigilant, crowned this bare-faced mandate as today’s top absurdity—a classic instance where presidential-level seriousness meets grooming tips from your local barber’s chair.
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Nothing says 'maximum combat readiness' like a freshly shaved upper lip. Next up: mandatory nose hair trimming for enhanced tactical superiority. The Pentagon is clearly policing follicles with military precision nobody asked for.
Because when enemy terrorists see a helmet gleaming off a baby-smooth chin, they’ll just surrender out of respect for good grooming. Bravo, Pentagon, bravo.
Breaking: Pentagon realizes pubes aren't weapons of mass destruction and mandates clean shaves to fight off actual threats. If only jawlines won wars.
Source: Theonion | Published: 9/19/2025 | Author: The Onion Staff
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