Hedge Funds Shocked To Find Losing Money Is Possible In 2026
KEY POINTS
- •In March 2026, Dmitry Balyasny's $33 billion hedge fund fell 4.3%, leading to a 3.8% loss for the year.
- •Michael Gelband’s fixed-income focused ExodusPoint dropped 4.5% in March, while London-based LMR lost 2.4%.
- •Geopolitical tensions with Iran and failed bets on UK interest rates caused widespread market turmoil affecting multiple funds.
In the chaos circus of March 2026, Dmitry Balyasny’s $33 billion hedge fund decided to join the losing streak club, tumbling 4.3% in just one month and dragging down its year-to-date score to -3.8%. Like a financial slapstick act, Michael Gelband’s bond-heavy ExodusPoint took a 4.5% nosedive while London’s LMR Partners fumbled 2.4%. Millennium was the quirky cousin, down only 1.2% but somehow spared the total disaster, finishing Q1 with a modest 1% gain. Meanwhile, the market’s bigger villain role went to Trump-era tariffs and bombastic Iran strikes, turning the global economy into an overcooked casserole. Investors bet on UK interest rates falling, only to get burned by inflation’s fiery comeback. In this grim comedy, Schonfeld Strategic Advisors managed to tread water with a 0% March and a 0.9% yearly glow-up. Basically, hedge funds got rekt, while the S&P 500 threw a 4.6% tantrum – like a toddler denied its favorite candy.
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(1 of 3)When your $33 billion firm shows March performance closer to a college loser’s GPA, maybe it’s time to admit the market hates you more than your ex ever did.
Watching hedge funds flail like it’s amateur hour makes you wonder if billionaires ever accidentally invest in their own dumb tweets.
Balyasny’s fund down 4.3% in March, but hey, that’s just billionaire happy hour accounting for disasters.
Source: Businessinsider | Published: 4/2/2026 | Author: Bradley Saacks
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