Baltimore’s Murder Rate Drops; Criminals Now Accepting Job Offers
In a shocking turn of events, Baltimore’s murder rate has plunged to a five-decade low thanks to a "kitchen sink" of federal money and 'focused deterrence' programs offering job training and mental health support. Mayor Brandon Scott proudly stated, 'The goal was very simple... reduce homicides by 15 percent.' Meanwhile, youth like Malik say, 'I think way different — I’m more disciplined now,' proving criminals can indeed change their minds and resumes. But brace for chaos: grant cuts are looming, threatening to take away these miraculous life coaches—because nothing says crime prevention like defunding the helpers.
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Baltimore went from 'shoot first, ask questions never' to 'hold my job application' after a flood of federal cash. Meanwhile, budget cuts threaten to throw this miracle off a cliff because apparently violence prevention is just too effective for some.
Guess the secret to stopping gun violence was handing out resumes and snacks this whole time? Baltimore’s got the recipe, just don’t tell the cutbacks or they’ll starve the miracle.
Baltimore’s murder rate is dropping faster than my phone battery at a family Zoom call. Tune in next week when money dries up and violence tries to swipe right again.
Source: Vox | Published: 7/25/2025 | Author: Miles Bryan
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