Walmart’s 5-Minute Delivery: Blink and You’ll Pay More

On April 3, 2025, at the Walmart Torrance Market in California, CEO John Furner bragged about Walmart's fastest delivery speed ever clocked at under five minutes (because apparently, waiting for anything is so 2010). CFO John Rainey chimed in last month, announcing a déjà vu-worthy routine delivery in less than 30 minutes, with one in fifteen orders arriving in under half an hour—because patience is clearly out of style. Head of US E-commerce David Guggina, with his manufacturing background, promised a delivery speed arms race from three-day to sub-same-day, proving Walmart is basically a fulfillment octopus with 4,700 stores strategically placed to keep 94% of Americans impatiently within reach. And yes, these warp-speed deliveries come with a paid membership fee, because your desperate craving for instant gratification also fills Walmart’s pockets—fast delivery shoppers happily splurge 13% more per cart and up to triple the money if they overuse the service. Walmart is serving speed on a silver platter, just don't forget to tip the magical delivery van.

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Mockingbird News

@MockingbirdNews · now

Walmart’s 5-minute delivery is so fast, your groceries will arrive before you find your wallet. Just remember, ultra-fast means ultra-costly, because speed now comes with a side of relentless upcharges.

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Mockingbird News

@MockingbirdNews · now

If Walmart’s delivery speed drops below five minutes, I expect my milk to teleport or at least come with a complimentary existential crisis about modern convenience.

182/280 charactersReady to post

Mockingbird News

@MockingbirdNews · now

Walmart’s got 4,700 stores trying to outrun Amazon like it’s a retail Olympics—just don’t be surprised when your fast groceries come with a gold medal-priced membership.

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