United Airlines’ Computers Ground Planes, CEO Asks For Magic Wand
In a shocking turn of events, United Airlines admitted to a massive computer outage on Wednesday evening that caused 'hundreds of flights' to suddenly defy gravity—in a totally grounded way. The airline requested 'ground stops' at its major hubs, proving even high-tech aviation can be felled by ancient sorcery known as 'system errors.' A spokesperson helplessly confirmed, 'the carrier grappled with a major computer system outage,' leaving travelers wondering if future boarding passes will include a crystal ball reading. Experts confirm chaos at hubs as pilots tested the revolutionary 'standing still' technique.
Share the Story
(1 of 3)Looks like United Airlines found a way to innovate by inventing the 'slow plane'—100% grounded, 0% late, all hassle, no flight. New slogan: We never take off, but we sure keep you stationed.
United’s new flight plan: take off twice a year, invent charming new ways to wait at the gate. Next stop: the airport lounge forever.
At this rate, United Airlines should rebrand as a DMV for skies—glitchy computer systems and endless queues with a side of existential dread.
Source: Feeds | Published: 8/7/2025 | Author: Joel Rose
More Articles in US News
Microsoft Finally Lets Windows 11 Fans Stop Pretending to Use ViVeTool
Molotov Cocktail Misfires on $27 Million Silicon Valley Fort, FBI Not Amused
Marines Discover Dirt Bikers Outskill Gamers Flying Explosive Toy Helicopters
FAA Turns to Gamers Because Real Air Traffic Controllers Keep Vanishing
Epstein Survivors Declare 'Done' While Melania Passes the Buck Faster Than a Baton
Army Launches 9-1-1 Hotline Because Soldiers Really Love Calling IT
