United Airlines’ Computers Ground Planes, CEO Asks For Magic Wand
In a shocking turn of events, United Airlines admitted to a massive computer outage on Wednesday evening that caused 'hundreds of flights' to suddenly defy gravity—in a totally grounded way. The airline requested 'ground stops' at its major hubs, proving even high-tech aviation can be felled by ancient sorcery known as 'system errors.' A spokesperson helplessly confirmed, 'the carrier grappled with a major computer system outage,' leaving travelers wondering if future boarding passes will include a crystal ball reading. Experts confirm chaos at hubs as pilots tested the revolutionary 'standing still' technique.
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(1 of 3)Looks like United Airlines found a way to innovate by inventing the 'slow plane'—100% grounded, 0% late, all hassle, no flight. New slogan: We never take off, but we sure keep you stationed.
United’s new flight plan: take off twice a year, invent charming new ways to wait at the gate. Next stop: the airport lounge forever.
At this rate, United Airlines should rebrand as a DMV for skies—glitchy computer systems and endless queues with a side of existential dread.
Source: Feeds | Published: 8/7/2025 | Author: Joel Rose
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