How To Apple Pick In January Without Annoying Kids
The Onion's groundbreaking tips for apple picking confidently suggest visiting orchards in January, because who doesn't want to savor frozen apple sadness to avoid the crowds? They also advise vastly overestimating how many apples you eat, presumably for that inevitable guilt trip when half your haul rots. And donât bring the kids; their sole purpose is apparently to slow down your fruit frenzy. The article, posted discreetly on The Onion's clever platform, doesnât mention the orchardâs location or actual apple varieties, leaving families to wonder if theyâre supposed to brave frostbite or just eat imaginary apples. Truly a guide for the modern, efficient fruit hunter.
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Visiting orchards in January sounds brilliant unless you actually want applesânot frozen regretsâand leaving kids behind is the peak family bonding advice of 2024. Because nothing says festive like frostbite and solo produce hoarding.
January apple picking: because who needs taste when you can frostbite competitively and avoid pesky people and children?
The Onionâs apple picking tips are basically: freeze your fingers off alone and then wonder why the apples arenât magical.
Source: Theonion | Published: 9/8/2025 | Author: The Onion Staff
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