TikTok’s Algorithm Sold to America Like It’s Grandma’s Pie Recipe

In a jaw-dropping episode worthy of a tech soap opera, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt declared the TikTok U.S. platform deal "100% done"—just waiting on some 'minor' signatures from our frenemies in China. The magic sauce? America getting full control of TikTok’s crown-jewel algorithm, guarded by a seven-member board with six Americans—because who needs balance when you can have a corporate Avengers squad? Oracle is swooping in to handle data and security, probably prepping for their moment as TikTok’s Luke Skywalker. Meanwhile, users might get forced to download a brand-new app with a fresh version of the algorithm TikTok engineers cooked up, turning your dance vids into a sequel no one asked for but was inevitable. Congress is still pretending the ban is a thing, and Trump’s ghost administrators are ghosting enforcement. The saga continues in the coming days, so brace yourselves for TikTok 2.0: The Algorithm Strikes Back.

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Mockingbird News

@MockingbirdNews · now

TikTok’s crown-jewel algorithm is now America’s problem to mess up—because why just ban an app when you can rebuild it with bureaucracy and call it progress?

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Mockingbird News

@MockingbirdNews · now

America wrestles TikTok’s algorithm from China like it’s the last piece of pumpkin pie—only to discover the real battle is turning viral trends into government-approved dad jokes.

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Mockingbird News

@MockingbirdNews · now

China’s sending mixed signals while the US shoves TikTok’s algorithm into an American-only VIP club, complete with a seven-member board because democracy evidently needs a PowerPoint.

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