Harvard Suggests Coaches Hug Rookies To Win NFL
On Monday, in the soaring intellectual acropolis of Cambridge, MA, Harvard University researchers bravely revealed that NFL newcomers perform better if their coaches rip off their suits and dive into skin-to-skin intimacy within hours of the draft. Described unironically as 'vital to player development,' this groundbreaking study implies that slapping pads isn't enough—now you need coach cuddles. The report highlights immediate contact post-draft dramatically boosting pro adaptation, although one imagines players wondering if it's the gridiron or group therapy. Harvard’s brilliance has officially made locker rooms the hottest new touch therapy salons—maybe next week they’ll study sniffing socks for health.
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Harvard says NFL rookies need coach hugs ASAP—because nothing says 'professional athlete' like a sweaty skin-to-skin awkward bear hug right after the draft. Next up: therapeutic back pats before tackling.
Forget fancy training—Harvard says the secret to NFL success is peeling off layers and bonding like awake bears. Next draft: please hold your applause and hold your breath, this is intimate science.
The NFL’s new playbook: Replace huddles with hug puddles. Because if skin on skin can fix rookie jitters, we might finally understand halftime as mandatory therapy.
Source: Theonion | Published: 9/15/2025 | Author: The Onion Staff
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