Johns Hopkins: Americans Think 50% Sausage, 50% Regret
In a groundbreaking study announced on a very productive Wednesday, Johns Hopkins University researchers surveyed over 20,000 Americans nationwide and unveiled that ultra-processed foods like sausages, spicy chicken nuggets, and cream-filled whatever without jurisdiction have invaded over half of the average American's brain real estate. The exact quote highlights a behavioral trend so disturbing itās nearly a snack aisle warning label: our thoughts, it seems, are marinated in mystery junk foods. While this might explain national diet fads, productivity dips, and those suspiciously consistent 3 PM naps, Johns Hopkins bravely translated mental cravings into scientific data, spotlighting a crisis where mental menus supersede grocery lists.
Share the Story
When you realize Johns Hopkins did the math and Americans think more about sausage than actual problems, you gotta wonder if brain cells take lunch breaks at Popeyes.
Ultra-processed foods occupy over 50% of American mindsāchallenge accepted by every fast food chain planning a loyalty card for your thoughts.
Americaās mental menu: spicy chicken nuggets, cream-filled donuts, and zero room for kale. Science finally confirms what your waistlineās known forever.
Source: Theonion | Published: 9/3/2025 | Author: The Onion Staff
More Articles in Health
Sam Altmanās Hospital Stay: AI Genius Vs. Semaglutide Junk Food
TrumpRX: Medicareās New Weight Loss CokeāNow in Pill Form!
90-Year-Old Powerlifters Crush Age, Bones, and Expectations
Forty-Something Brits Take on Identical Triplets: Sleep, Who Needs It?
Pickleball Achilles: From Court Pop to Star-Powered Sobfest
