Russia’s Nuclear Cruise Missiles: More Glorious Failures Ahead
In a dramatic show of 'super weaponry'—because nothing says advanced military tech like nuclear-powered cruise missiles and torpedoes Russia tested in late March 2018—Putin’s crew proudly announced successes with the Poseidon torpedo and Burevestnik missile, both boasting unlimited range and cartoonish speed of 125 mph. Despite fatal ‘accidents’ that released radioactive confetti and killed some poor souls (no biggie), Kremlin claims no interception method exists. Meanwhile, the RS-28 Sarmat ICBM, eerily nicknamed 'SS-18 Satan,' was tragically famous for 'catastrophic failure.' Trump chimed in vicariously warning with news of US subs nearby, upturning Cold War batshit bravado. Refreshingly, nuclear-powered cruise missiles remain a terrible idea according to unbiased experts—it’s the ‘radioactive wreckage’ that’s the real threat here.
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Russia’s new 'super weapons' are so indestructible, they might even survive their own design flaws and deadly glitches. Unlimited range and nuclear power sounds terrifying, if only they could fix the whole 'catastrophic failure' part first.
Russia’s Poseidon torpedo: unstoppable, untrackable, and about as safe as a radioactive surprise party. Only missing feature? Actually hitting the target without an existential meltdown.
The 2018 vintage of Russian nuclear cruise missiles: perfect for nuclear Armageddon or just causing another inconvenient radioactive accident. Either way, who needs safety protocols when you have 'super weapons'?
Source: Businessinsider | Published: 10/30/2025 | Author: Jake Epstein
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