Retirement Accounts Now Accepting Everything But Your Excuses
In a bipartisan plot twist nobody saw coming, an executive order just opened the floodgates for retirement accounts to hold way more than boring old stocks and bonds. Apparently, the suits behind this mastermind scheme think we deserve some variety, possibly to spice up avoiding economic doom. According to the announcement, traditional portfolios are suddenly looking like a monotone date, while our future nest eggs can now party with a whole new cast of investment craziness. It’s basically Wall Street’s version of upgrading from plain toast to avocado smash on sourdough. Finally, your retirement can misbehave spectacularly.
Share the Story
Finally, retirement accounts realized stocks and bonds got as exciting as watching paint dry in slow-mo. Now you can gamble with your future in style. Remember kids, ‘diversify’ means 'give your money new ways to ghost you.'
Retirement accounts used to be the finance world’s version of beige wallpaper. Now, they’re throwing a party with investments so wild even your risk tolerance might file for divorce.
Exec order: ‘Let’s allow retirement funds to invest in anything but common sense.' Because what’s better than risking your golden years on options that make GameStop look like a retirement plan?
Source: Feeds | Published: 8/16/2025 | Author: Laurel Wamsley
More Articles in Business
Linkin Park’s New Tour: Same Band, New Lead Singer, Twice The Confusion
Volunteer Battles Fire That Roasts His Own Home, Because Why Not
Sydney Sweeney's $1M Flop, Trump-Approved Jeans & Bathwater Soap Fiasco
Amazon: Now Selling Groceries and Your Impulse Warehouse Panic
Billion-Dollar Hedge Fund’s Head Trader Quits To Take 'Career Break,' Market Shrugs
Billionaire Bros Move T-Rex LLC Out of California to Avoid Paying Taxes; Dinosaur Surprised
Grandfather Gifts $1,500 with Guest Star Role for Financial Advisor
Facebook Exec Jumps Off Career Cliff to Build Giant iPhone Flop
