Growth Fund Hits Gym, Now Twice as Buff as Before
In a stunning display of financial cardio, the unnamed growth fund has nearly doubled in size compared to its previous version, proving that numbers love hitting the gym just like we do after New Year's resolutions. This quantum leap in fund size offers investors twice the opportunity to watch their money sweat—or perhaps just awkwardly jog in place. While the article tantalizingly omits specifics like the fund's name, exact amounts, or the magical timeline of this transformation, fans of vague success stories will rejoice. No doubt this doubling means double the press releases, double the buzzwords, and double the chance to say 'growth' until even your grandmother tunes out.
Share the Story
Nothing says 'progress' like telling investors 'we doubled down on vague promises' without a single dollar amount or timeline to brag about. Because if size really mattered, this fund would have hit Costco by now.
They say good things come in small packages, but apparently this fund prefers jumbo sizes with zero explanation. Next up: doubling the statements on how it’s 'focused on the future' but can’t give a single detail.
If only doubling your fund was as easy as doubling your office snacks. No metrics needed, just pure, unadulterated confidence that 'growth' sounds good enough for everyone.
Source: Techcrunch | Published: 9/30/2025 | Author: Anna Heim
More Articles in Business
Salesforce AI Flops, Google Car-Dwellers & Senior Homebuyers Take Over
KPMG’s 450K Sq.Ft NYC HQ: Employee Feedback or Round Table Cult?
Rivian CEO’s $4.6B Stock Option: Billionaire or Billion Procrastinator?
DoorDash Execs Fail at Delivery, Beta-Test Their Own Chaos
Parenting & Two Jobs: Health Writer Floors Architectural Chaos!
