NIH Tumor Takes Helm, Cuts Cancer Research Funding
In a groundbreaking move that blurs the line between medical drama and workplace comedy, the NIH Director's neck tumorāyes, an actual pulsing tumorāhas declared cuts to cancer research funding. This eerie decision came out of nowhere, like if your appendix got to run for president and decided to spend the health budget on more peel-and-stick bandages. No specific dollar amounts were given, but imagine if the very symptom you're fighting signs off on budget cuts. So let me get this straight, the tumor, the very villain in this epic health saga, is the one pulling the purse strings? Oh, I'm sorry, did I miss the part where tumors earned MBA degrees? Apparently, this is medical leadership's new trend, where your cancerās tumor is now the CFO of cancer funds. Next up: a cough running the flu vaccine program. Stay tuned as healthcare enters its weirdest episode yet.
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The NIHās neck tumor just announced cancer research cuts like it's the office manager. Because nothing screams responsible budgeting like letting the problem control the purse strings.
Turns out, if your tumor had a LinkedIn, itād be listing 'budget slashing' and 'resource reallocation' as skills. Guess cancer research just got ghosted by its biggest rival.
So, a pulsing neck tumor packs more decision-making power than the actual scientists? At this rate, my migraines are lobbying for a cabinet position.
Source: Theonion | Published: 9/16/2025 | Author: The Onion Staff
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