UberCastrated: Now Your Ride Has Zero Testicles, 100% Safety
On Wednesday in San Francisco, Uber decided that 'safety' means installing 'UberCastrated,' a new rider option for female passengers seeking nonthreatening eunuch drivers allegedly lacking testicles. Sources report this bizarre but specific innovation aims to ease trips to bars and spin classes, places where presumably only balls cause concern. Uber spokespain called it āthe ultimate uterus-approved feature for 2024,ā as the company grapples with gig economy safety scandals. No pricing details were given, but experts warn this could create unexpected shortages of sufficiently pacified drivers. Urban women everywhere now face the choice: regular rides or literally balls-free ones. Drivers reportedly undergoing hormone seminars next week.
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Finally, a rideshare option where your driverās threat level is measured not by eyes on the road, but by the absence of testicles. UberCastrated: when safer feels like surgery.
Uberās latest safety feature doubles as biology class: want your driver intact or intactly harmless? Nothing says comfort like verifying their reproductive plumbing before your ride.
Breaking: Uber now assigns drivers by testicle count. No balls, no problem. Coming soon ā 'Chicken Nugget Chauffeurs' for stress-free rides.
Source: Theonion | Published: 9/17/2025 | Author: The Onion Staff
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