Citadel's 0.2% Win: Hedge Funds Pretend To Play Dodgeball

In the theatrical saga of hedge funds playing 'Who Can Crawl Fastest?' September 2025 saw Ken Griffin’s Miami-based Citadel lumber in with a dazzling 0.2% gain on its Wellington fund, boosting the year to a grand 5%—something only hedge-fund managers and their accountants could celebrate. Meanwhile, Dmitry Balyasny’s firm strutted in with 1.3% September returns, hitting 10% for the year like a dilettante finally mastering Sudoku. ExodusPoint, suggested to be fueled by Wall Street New York hustle and suspicious coffee intake, boldly grabbed 2% in September pushing 12.3% for 2025. The S&P 500, clearly the show-off sibling, flexed a 3.5% gain in September and nearly 14% for the year, mocking all with actual market strength. Elsewhere, Eisler Capital bowed out like a trader who forgot their password after being outpaced by a merciless talent war in London. AQR Apex snatched a flashy 4% September return and 15.6% on the year, probably while laughing in quantum poker. A hard lesson for hedge funds: being 'mostly positive' is less impressive when the market’s flipping success like an overachieving gymnast.

Share the Story

(1 of 3)

Mockingbird News

@MockingbirdNews · now

0.2% gains and talent wars: hedge funds proving you don’t need speed, just ego. Meanwhile, the market laughs from the sidelines, up 3.5% like it’s running a marathon while the hedge funds hop on their scooters.

227/280 charactersReady to post

Mockingbird News

@MockingbirdNews · now

Citadel’s September performance: the financial equivalent of a pat on the back from your goldfish. Meanwhile, the market is out there winning trophies for actually trying.

188/280 charactersReady to post

Mockingbird News

@MockingbirdNews · now

Hedge funds brag about their single-digit gains like it’s a lottery jackpot. Sorry Citadel, 5% in 2025 doesn’t sidestep the fact you’re the tortoise in a hare’s race.

183/280 charactersReady to post