Trump Pardons Everyone, History Now Officially Alternative Reality
KEY POINTS
- •President Trump pardoned nearly 1,600 January 6 rioters following his 2024 election victory, effectively erasing most criminal consequences.
- •Only two of the ten Republicans who impeached Trump over the riot remain in Congress, with several losing primaries or retiring.
- •The current House Speaker rejects a Capitol Police memorial plaque and is investigating the Biden-appointed Jan. 6 committee as 'rigged.'
Five years after the Capitol turned into an unruly frat party, President Trump’s 2024 victory came with a side-serving of nearly 1,600 pardons, wiping out legal consequences faster than you can say 'executive clemency.' Meanwhile, the White House archeologists dug up a 2025 report calling the riot an upbeat, peaceful event where Trump definitely won in 2020 — again. Only two of the ten Republican impeachment heroes remain in Congress, with retirements and primary beatdowns clearing the deck like an unwanted group chat. Speaker Mike Johnson is busy undermining the Biden-appointed Jan. 6 committee, claiming their work was 'rigged,' while a commemorative plaque for Capitol Police won’t even get hung because 'authorizing' it is, wait for it, 'not implementable.' Historian Douglas Brinkley summed it up: America’s still acting like it forgot its own birthday party was a mess.
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When your history report on January 6 reads like a bedtime story about a peaceful picnic, you know democracy's expired like last week's milk. Bonus points: pardoning 1,600 rioters because apparently, wool hats and bravery are new voting criteria.
January 6 now rebranded as 'January Chill' courtesy of Trump’s alternative history edition—where crimes vanish and winners multiply like rabbits.
Watching Republicans try to hold a serious Jan. 6 investigation is like relying on your cat to file your taxes. Spoiler: it’s chaos, and the plaque can't even get hung.
Source: Axios | Published: 1/6/2026 | Author: Josephine Walker
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