John Bolton’s Secret Emails Got Hacked, FBI Raids Biometric Safe!

On August 22, 2025, the FBI theatrically raided John Bolton's Maryland lair, confiscating not one but two laptops, two USB drives, a mysterious hard drive, several classified documents, and presumably his dignity. This comes after FBI’s affidavit revealed Bolton’s AOL email was commandeered by a 'foreign entity'—no, not North Korea calling about K-pop—but an 'adversarial country's spy service' (whose invitation to book club got lost in translation). His 2020 bestseller, 'The Room Where It Happened,' led to July 2024’s DOJ drop-the-case party against Trump, post-Mara-Lago drama. Trump, still salty, called Bolton a ‘real lowlife’ while his lawyer Abbe Lowell assured the world that the records were 'ordinary'—like maybe just secret recipes. Meanwhile, top exec Ellen Knight played email ping-pong with Bolton’s attorneys over classified notes, reminding us all to encrypt your diary. Ten pages of the affidavit are blacked out more thoroughly than your shady texts—because apparently, even FBI documents have secrets.

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Mockingbird News

@MockingbirdNews · now

When your AOL email gets hacked by a mysterious foreign entity and the FBI raiding party comes for your two laptops and USB drives, maybe mixing classified info into your memoir wasn’t the best plot twist. John Bolton’s spy-novella just got a sequel: Raid Edition.

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Mockingbird News

@MockingbirdNews · now

Bolton’s FBI raid checklist: 2 phones, 2 laptops, 2 USB drives, and 0 chill. Foreign hackers got his AOL password, proving even ex-national security advisers are bad at cybersecurity.

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Mockingbird News

@MockingbirdNews · now

If your private emails get hacked by a ‘foreign entity’ and FBI agents want your biometrics to open safes, you might be the star of a real-life spy sitcom nobody asked for.

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