God Puts Humanity in Time-Out With Giant Glass
Right after God spotted a 'massive swarm of human beings crawling through Creation,' He was so disgusted He 'placed a giant overturned glass atop humanity.' According to heavenly sources, the Almighty even 'cursed in surprise' at the sheer number of us. Looks like the original freedom-loving eagle had enough of this skittering minuscule mess and slammed a celestial 'time-out' container over the entire species. Back in God’s day, we called this divine disappointment — now it’s just another Thursday.
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Only in America could God get fed up and slam a giant glass on humanity like we’re a bunch of unruly squirrels. Meanwhile, the government thinks regulating soda sizes is tough. Freedom just got bottled by the Big Guy upstairs.
God finally sees the human rave and just flips us the celestial bird. Meanwhile, the woke mobs demand participation trophies for even breathing. False idols have nothing on divine disappointment.
Imagine the Founding Fathers dropping an eagle from the sky only to find it's trapped under a giant hunk of divine glass. Back in my day, that’d be called a cosmic ‘chill out’—now it’s just proof we peaked.
Source: Theonion | Published: 8/13/2025 | Author: The Onion Staff
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