Cornell Bears Witness Dorm Butchery, Still No HOA Complaints
At Cornell University, two intrepid students armed with nothing but valid hunting licenses and an unyielding communal kitchen spirit dropped a 120-pound black bear, then casually dragged this furry behemoth into their dorm to skin and butcher the colossal creature. The bear, which in less adventurous hands might have been the star of a National Geographic special, was reduced to dorm-room delicacy. No laws were broken, but definitely some unspoken campus kitchen etiquette was. Somewhere, a resident assistant is updating the dorm manual with 'Add bear carcass processing to rituals.' Because why just microwave popcorn when you can microwave a bear?
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Only at Cornell do students bring a legit bear home to cook in the dorm kitchenânext chapter: squirrel smoothies in the library. Hunterâs licenses and culinary frontier spirit required, optional gloves highly recommended.
When life gives you a bear, turn your dorm kitchen into a bear butcher shop, and don't forget your hunting licenseâitâs the ultimate back-to-school welcome party.
I always thought freshmen bring terrible microwave meals to dorms, but apparently, Cornell raised the bar to 120-pound black bears. Bon appétit and bathroom cleaning crew, beware.
Source: Theonion | Published: 9/16/2025 | Author: The Onion Staff
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