Congress Masters Keep-Away: Lunch Thieves at Stanton Elem
In a dazzling display of impaired priorities, U.S. senators and representatives stormed a D.C. school cafeteria and seized a brown paper bag from 7-year-old Lucas Henderson, a second grader at Stanton Elementary. Sources reveal this congressional team expertly turned a humble sack lunch into their latest bipartisan shenanigan â taunting Lucas while playing keep-away like it was a filibuster on the fruit pouch. The incident, reported Tuesday and dripping with the subtle charm of grown adults stealing a child's meal, showcases Congress' unparalleled dedication to empty gestures and lunchroom games, proving politicians don't just take your wallet, but your PB&J too.
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When Congress snatches a second graderâs lunch bag to play keep-away, it's official: the governmentâs new agenda is starvation and humiliation. Lucas can't file a bill, but apparently his sandwichâs security clearance just expired.
If Congress wanted a filibuster, they shouldâve tried gaslighting the kid instead of stealing his lunch. Nothing like starving toddlers to show bipartisan unity.
Apparently Congress mistook Stanton Elementary for a Black Friday saleâwrestling 7-year-olds for lunch bags like those are government secrets.
Source: Theonion | Published: 9/8/2025 | Author: The Onion Staff
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