Hedge Funds Flex Their Rich Guy Muscles, Beat S&P While Everyone Else Sweats
KEY POINTS
- •Michael Gelband's ExodusPoint reported its best year ever in 2025, finishing up 18% with a 2.1% December boost.
- •Dmitry Balyasny's $31 billion firm earned 16.7%, while D.E. Shaw’s Composite fund increased 18.5%, both topping the market index.
- •Larger players like Millennium made a smaller 10.5% gain despite $83.5 billion under management amid heated geopolitical tensions.
In the cash aquarium of 2025, hedge funds swam against the geopolitical current like the Michael Phelps of money. ExodusPoint, launched in 2018 as Wall Street's prom queen, strutted to an 18% annual glow-up, finishing strong with a 2.1% December encore. Dmitry Balyasny’s $31 billion juggernaut bounced back with a 16.7% flex, while D.E. Shaw’s Composite fund blazed ahead at 18.5%. Even Boothbay and AQR’s $6.8 billion Apex joined the mid-teens party, all outpacing the S&P 500’s humble 16.4%. Meanwhile, Millennium’s $83.5 billion giant trundled up with a modest 10.5%, proving size isn’t everything when the robo-tariff dragons bite.
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(1 of 3)Hedge funds making 15-19% gains while still somehow publicly sweating they didn’t crush the S&P 500’s 16.4% is peak Wall Street delusion.
Watching hedge funds scramble to beat a 16.4% stock index is like billionaires sweating over who stashed the best Bitcoin under their mattress.
If 2025 hedge fund returns were Tinder bios: 'Biggest names, biggest egos, barely beating the dad-joke-level gains of S&P 500.'
Source: Businessinsider | Published: 1/2/2026 | Author: Bradley Saacks
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